I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
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Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
liiiiiiiiike
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?