When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
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My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?