Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
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Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job