my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
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[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
i wish i could marry a nap
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.