I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
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Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.