customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
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Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.