A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
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[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
O Wise One….
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?