“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
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*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon