5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
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Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.