I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
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why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Human are so complicated
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
When news reporters do sports stories
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong