well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
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Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Siri, fight Alexa.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?