I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
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Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
the world’s most popular steaming services
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”