Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
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Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin