Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
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*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?