TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
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[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.