Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
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If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.