My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
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My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Uh oh…