[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
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In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
DOOO EEEET
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.