[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
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Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.