Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
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First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
😎 🍻
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.