Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
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FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA