I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
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I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.