QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
You Might Also Like
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Why font matters.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets