Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
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I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!