White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
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Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
So, can we agree on 4 or
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”