20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
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Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read