*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
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6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”