You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
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Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now