Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
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Well, that should do it
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
#dnd #ttrpg
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?