I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
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me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
not to brag, but mine was free
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.