Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
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‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES