I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
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Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
men, we mow at sunrise.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.