[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
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2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Okay me first
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !