Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
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*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
The photographer’s assistant
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
mentally somewhere in italy
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
plums roundup
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up