Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
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Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir