Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
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I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
where the womens at?
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
How it started: How it’s going:
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real