me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
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So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
ACED my prostate exam!
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉