Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
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I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”