Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
You Might Also Like
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Aaaa…CHOO!
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies