Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
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DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Two types of dogs.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.