No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
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A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
If looks could kill
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh