I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
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SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Me when someone tries to get to know me
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here