Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
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it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
bout dat hot dog summer
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life