Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
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If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Has there ever been a more American story?
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
I like donuts.
Twitter:
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.