I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
You Might Also Like
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
NASA has no chill
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.