Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
You Might Also Like
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
rise and shine we got egg
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.