I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
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My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.