[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
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“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
#growingpains
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Dudes named Chance never had one.