Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
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I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.