[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
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Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Perfect
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
#JohnTravolta
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.